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I was abducted by aliens

After posting “10 Reasons to Start Blogging” on Sunday, June 21, I went to bed as usual, around 11 p.m., My Salinger Year in hand, and quickly dozed off. I dreamt that night that small alien beings had crawled into my bed, planted probes in my brain, and surgically implanted transmitters beneath my skin that allowed them to control my every move. When they wanted food, my body got up and got them food. When they wanted to do puzzles or play games, my body did puzzles and played  games. I begged them to let me have just one hour on my laptop each week to write a blog post, but they threatened me. They said if I didn’t obey their every command, they would teleport me to their planet. I thought they were bluffing, so I disobeyed. They weren’t. They teleported me to their planet.



The evil aliens in their spaceship. Don’t be fooled by the smiles. It’s just an act.


The aliens’ planet is made out of Legos and is inhabited by Zhu Zhu pets and princess dolls. The females all wear tiaras and the males sit around playing soccer and Pokémon all day while drinking sweet, sticky drinks out of small square boxes with straws. They have a servant race of humans, kidnapped from Earth, who cook their meals, wash their clothes, and clean their sofa pillow forts. I know. I was one of those servants. At night, when the aliens were sleep, I met with other servants to try to form an escape plan, but ten minutes into our conversation we were all fast asleep on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle sleeping bags, visions of Olaf dancing in our heads.

One day, while making macaroni and cheese out of a box over a hot stove, I heard a voice whisper out of nowhere.

“School,” it said.
“In September, the aliens will be leaving for planet School.”
“Planet school! What will happen to us?” I asked. “Will we return to Earth?”
“You will never return to Earth,” the voice said. “But School has computers. It has Internet. It has WordPress.”
“But if the aliens catch me…”
“On School, the aliens have a second race of servants who will take care of their needs between 9 am and 3 p.m. Your transmitters will be deactivated for two of those hours. You will be free to blog once you finish your endless list of chores. You will like School.”
“Free to blog!” was all I heard. That night I didn’t dream of Olaf, Elsa, or Anna. I dreamt of plugins and YouTube embeds, categories and tags. I would blog again on School!

Flash forward to September, and here I am. It’s my second day on School and I love it. It’s not Earth. I am still servant to a petite race of aliens whose needs never seem to be met, and I have to admit I miss certain aspects of the aliens’ other planet, which I’ve since learned is called Summer Vacation, but all in all, it’s pretty nice. Before 9 a.m. and after 3 p.m. I am at the aliens’ beck and call, but for a couple hours each day, I’m allowed to eat my meals with no interruptions, to read a book (right now I’m reading The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, which is FANTASTIC), and best of all—to blog!

So, dear Earthlings, I’ll see you back here next Tuesday, and the Tuesday after that, and the Tuesday after that, and the Tuesday after that…until the aliens return to Summer Vacation.

Na-nu Na-nu



8 comments to I was abducted by aliens

  • So glad you're back on Earth, because the servant class needs you. The Aliens will always make demands–my bicycle seat broke and a just-so bolt is needed, my love fascination made me miss my college quiz, my need is pizza, beer and baseball right now–but knowing you'll be here Tuesdays helps the rest of us who've served the Aliens for many years pass the hours of captivity with some hope of respite. We're grateful for crumbs.

    • meghancward

      Kate, I am so glad to be back on Earth among my fellow servants! Yay for big people! Although I did manage to catch a cold here on School and spent most of my third day of freedom in bed, I have high hopes that next week will be more productive!

  • annerallen

    Welcome back! Your account of summer momhood is hilarious! Lucky kids. 🙂

    • meghancward

      Spoiled kids, Anne! I don't know where the summer went. It zipped by so fast. But I'm glad to be back and I look forward to reading your blog again!

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