I arrived at the tail end of an interesting lunchtime conversation at the San Francisco Writers’ Grotto last week—just in time to hear author Julia Scheeres utter, “Well, that was depressing.” From there the conversation continued on about how women tend to submit less often to journals, magazines, and newspapers (and by extension, agents and publishing houses?) than men because they have less confidence. Women tend to take rejection more personally than men do, and they tend to doubt themselves more.
As someone who just finished the last revision of my manuscript Monday night (Hurray! I’m taking the day off to go to the hot springs tomorrow, my favorite reward), this rang true for me. I sent an earlier draft of my memoir, Paris On Less Than $10,000 A Day, out two years ago to five agents. All five requested fulls, and all five had positive feedback but ultimately turned the book down (No wait, there was a sixth, the fabulous Nathan Bransford, from whom I received a form rejection, but who hasn’t received a form rejection from Nathan?) Rather than send it to more agents, I spent the next two years rewriting the book. I don’t regret that decision because I think the book has greatly improved, but now, as I prepare to send it out again, I have one goal: No matter how many rejections I get (assuming I get some) I’m not allowed to revise my book again, unless an agent specifically requests that I do so.
I’m confident that my book is well-written and marketable. I’ve read enough publishing blogs to know not to take rejection personally. It’s an impossibly tough market, the business is incredibly subjective (It’s all about finding the right agent, the who will fall in love with my story), etc. etc. I know all that. And yet …
I also know myself. A month from now, after having received three or four rejections, I’ll begin to doubt myself. I’ll doubt my book and my writing in general. I’ll analyze rejection e-mails for clues as to what could be improved. I’ll kick myself for not having gotten my book out there sooner. I’ll wonder if having a bigger author platform would make a difference. I’ll tell myself that memoirs are a thing of the past (unless you’re a celebrity from the 80s), that modeling books are out, that the only chance I have of getting published is to sleep with Oprah’s hairdresser. I’ll wonder if my book is too serious. I’ll tell myself that if only chapters 1, 6, 9, and 18 were as funny as 2, 7, and 41, it would have sold by now. In other words, I’ll be plagued by self-doubt.
Back when I was rock climbing, I wanted to get my lead card at my local rock climbing gym. I’d heard from several people that no one passes the first time they take the lead test. Climbers often have to take it two or three times to get their cards because their lead has to be PERFECT—perfect clips, smooth, strong climbing on an overhanging 5.10B or 5.10C, and no stepping on or behind the rope. I passed on my first try. Not because I’m a great climber, but because I was so afraid to fail that I practiced and practiced and practiced and practiced long after any sane person would have taken the test. I would not take the test until I was confident that I could do it flawlessly. Why? Because I’m plagued by perfectionism, the cousin of self-doubt.
Perfectionism can be a good thing. It can lead to great accomplishments. But it can be damaging, too. It can slow us down, it can prevent us from putting ourselves out there, from taking risks. And in order to get published, we need to be willing to put ourselves out there. We need to take risks—in our writing and in our lives.
What about you? Are you plagued by perfectionism and/or self-doubt? Do you find that men are more confident than women when submitting their writing for publication? How do you remain positive in the face of rejection?
Perfectionism is definitely a weight around my ankles, hobbling me from moving ahead and sending things out. In fact, even if I did get published, I'm afraid I'd be like Joyce Carol Oates and rewrite a book even after it's out.
So I totally get you drawing the line on this, and applaud it. Revision is important, but in the end you're a writer, not a reviser. Move ahead to another mountain instead of trying to climb this one over and over till you get it perfect. Both you and the people you're leading will enjoy it more.
"The fact that your work is imperfect makes it interesting. A perfect face isn’t interesting. A book’s flaws make it less predictable."
– Janet Fitch
Thanks for this great quote, mainecharacter. I also have to remind myself that when I'm reading published books I often find things that I would change or have done differently. No book is ever perfect.
And by the way, do you have a blog? It's not listed on your intense debate profile. (I'm not sure mine is either. Something I need to add to my to do list.)
I actually wrote in my comment that perfectionism is what's keeping me from keeping a blog 'cause I know I'd spend WAY too much time on each post. But then I went back and rewrote the comment, shortening it up to make it better.
There isn't any hope for me, is there? : P
Ha! Well, time is better spent writing than blogging anyway!
There's only so much you can do to attain the idea of perfection, and I don't think any of us finds it. Sure, we can practice and practice, and that does, indeed, make us better and better, but I think there's truly no such thing as perfect. If there were, I believe we would all be gods. Just do what you can to make it the absolute best that it can be and that will have to be good enough.
So true, Anne, that nothing is ever perfect – which is what drives us perfectionists crazy! It gives us endless room to revise. And good advice to do the best we can and be happy with it.
Wonderful wonderful post!
First of all, your batting average with agents is FANTASTIC. I wonder if you had kept querying if you might have found The One — and I have no doubt that with your book even stronger now, you will.
Second, battling self doubt — while maintaining a sense of humility that allows you to recognize your writing's flaws and work on them — is one of the most difficult parts of being a writer. (Wait, are there any EASY parts?) I don't know that I have any special tricks to achieving that balance… I guess a good crit group is a key weapon in my arsenal. They are both cheerleaders and editors. They give me confidence by gushing at all my good parts, and by helping me strengthen all my weak ones.
Also, I think just having parents that believe in me and raised me to believe in myself. If that's not something you were lucky enough to grow up with, then I think you have to train yourself to make up for it (easier said than done, I'm sure) and surround yourself with supportive friends.
Kristan, you're right. None of it's easy. As for my parents, my mom never really wanted me to write, and I don't talk to my dad much about it, although he is supportive. My husband has been the greatest help, supporting me financially instead of telling me to get a real job. My friends have been supportive, crit groups have been great, and my writing colleagues at the Grotto have been invaluable. Now if only I were a man 🙂
Congrats on finishing your rewrite! I am sure you will land an agent soon. Like Kristan said, your track record is very good. I think most writers are plagued by perfectionism. On the low end, my perfectionism leads me to overedit my work. The worst of it leads me to stop working altogether because I can't believe my work is any good. It's tough to find balance.
Thanks, Elizabeth! I guess we need to be perfectionists to compete in this market. And then we need to tell that perfectionist to shut up so we can submit, just like we need to tell our editing selves to shut up while we crank out that crappy first draft.
The answer is: yes, I am now a perfectionist. But I wasn't before. Before, I was too eager like a young horse, all prancey and whinnying and desperate to run. Now, I have learned patience and that time working more on my novel will be beneficial.
My goal is to win, so if I don't make things perfect, I'll have less of a chance of it.
Good luck on the querying and as Kristan said above, your batting average is fantastic. I've told you that so many times. 5/5 full requests is a 100% rate. Just keep at it.
Sierra, it sounds like your perfectionism is a good thing. I guess we all need to find the right balance. And thank you for the well wishes!
This post hits home for me. I've been a perfectionist all my life and I have spent years in therapy trying to deal with it. I spent years avoiding anything I didn't think I could be good at. I was in my 40s before I started publishing my writing. It helped to find out that Navajo rug weavers always deliberately put in a flaw, so they won't offend God by trying to be perfect. We can't be perfect. All we can strive for is our own "personal best."
Anne, I didn't know that about Navajos. I think the next time my writing is rejected, I'm going to explain that I didn't want to offend God. And yes, perfectionism can be paralyzing. I was always envious of a friend I had in LA who would try out for anything (like roles in movies) even though she didn't have any experience. It often worked for her because she had such a charismatic personality. It wouldn't have worked for me because I would have been too focused on all the mistakes I'd made.
Nice work Meghan, that's awesome! I think I told you this, but I read Julia's first book (which I got at the Santa Barbara Library) before I even knew that you knew her. It was great, will have to check out her new one.
I think people who are successful are very often those who have just persevered the longest. Stephen King is good example. I read somewhere that he used rejection letters to wallpaper his home office when he was starting out. He got hundreds of rejections before ever getting his first short story published. I guess the problem with perfectionism is that ultimately it may cut into our confidence and stop us from continuing to continue! : >
Thanks, Alta! You should read A Thousand Lives. I think you'd really like it. Interesting about Stephen King. I know that's happened to MANY writers. Are you blogging again, btw? I miss your posts.
First off, congratulations on finishing the revision! Enjoy those hot springs! This came at the right time — I just sent off a new batch of stories to lit mags, and have begun the umpteenth revision of my novel. One thing I've learned — even as I spend three mornings getting one scene right — is not to get TOO attached to my oh-so-perfect sentences (ha!) or images, that perfectionism can get in the way of the overall narrative or the deeper, messier places the story needs to go. Self-doubt comes with the territory; I don't trust any writer (or person, come to think of it) who can't admit and laugh about it. Still, every thin SASE that lands in my mail slot makes my heart sink (especially if it comes at the same time as the latest issue of Poets & Writers with some wildly successful writer on the cover). Here's where my writers' group (and other writer and artist friends) save me. As for the guys, I've known many men who took rejection even harder than I do — but come to think of it, they're not writers.
Lindsey, congrats on sending off those stories! And I can't tell you how many chapters I edited to perfection (IMHO) and then deleted from my book altogether. It's heartbreaking, but that's the life of a writer.
Hi, Meghan!
I've found and followed your blog thanks to Robin Martin at Two Songbirds Press! She is (a godsend) helping me with my first novel.
Your post on perfectionism is spot on, although I can attest that men often suffer from self-doubt, too. I sometimes identify with "I have an inferiority complex . . . it's just not a very good one." Your linking of perfectionism and self-doubt rings true. Could they both be related to writer's block? (Am I allowed to utter that phrase here?)
Thanks for all the great content and congrats from me, too, on the completion of your FINAL revision!
Rob
Hey Rob, I'm sure writer's block is caused by perfectionism and self-doubt, although I've never had writer's block and still suffer from the latter two. So I don't think they go hand in hand. So glad you found Writerland through Robin Martin, by the way. I'll have to check out Two Songbirds press. I want to write a novel next, so I'll be in your boat pretty soon.
Hi Meghan, I thought you might have already known Robin Martin. Her website is at http://www.twosongbirdspress.com. When you get your novel written, I would highly recommend her for an objective and very helpful Evaluation and Critique!
Thanks, Rob. I'll check out her site!
Meghan,
You are right on target. I blogged about this a few weeks ago. The post was entitled, Perfect Is the Enemy of the Good, an old expression from my days covering politics as a reporter. My basic point was that writers are rarely satisfied with their work, even after revising it to death. Nanowrimo doesn’t afford writers the luxury of seeking perfection. The work just has to be good–and 50000 words. Good luck submitting your work. I’m sure it’s perfect.:)
Meghan,
You are right on target. I blogged about this a few weeks ago. The post was entitled, Perfect Is the Enemy of the Good, an old expression from my days covering politics as a reporter. My basic point was that writers are rarely satisfied with their work, even after revising it to death. Nanowrimo doesn't afford writers the luxury of seeking perfection. The work just has to be good–and 50000 words. Good luck submitting your work. I'm sure it's perfect.:)
Ha! I wish my book were perfect! I love the title of your post, by the way. I will check it out!
[…] Are You Plagued by Perfectionism? – “Perfectionism can be a good thing. It can lead to great accomplishments. But it can be […]
Self-doubt, yes — spades. Perfectionism — not exactly, but to a degree.
Sigh. I guess we're all plagued by self-doubt. Thanks for stopping by, Trav.
We are all created equal. You can't tell that men are more confident than women when submitting a writing for publication. For me, there will always be a self-doubt whether you are a male or a female especially when it's your first time. But, the most important thing to conquer self-doubt is knowing in yourself that you have put your heart in writing your book and that you've enjoyed every moment in making it.
What about you? Are you plagued by perfectionism and/or self-doubt? Do you find that men are more confident than women when submitting their writing for publication? How do you remain positive in the face of rejection?
Kurt, this makes me think of that self-help book "Feel the fear and do it anyway" that came out 15 or so years ago. I think both men and women "feel the fear" but men "do it anyway" more often. But I'm hoping to change that 🙂
I think just having parents that believe in me and raised me to believe in myself. If that's not something you were lucky enough to grow up with, then I think you have to train yourself to make up for it (easier said than done, I'm sure) and surround yourself with supportive friends.
[…] can be a good thing. It can lead to great accomplishments. But it can be damaging, too,” says says Meghan Ward of Writerland. “It can slow us down, it can prevent us from putting ourselves out there, from taking risks. And […]
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